Right, so let’s address the elephants in the room before we get on with today’s post.
Yes, I have been away and not posting and that is indeed because I have been feeling really low and not coping with my mental illness. I thought it was best to distance myself from everything. I know now, in hindsight.. that was a bad idea.
Also, I am very much aware of my previous post and can I please point out… I will address this later in this post.
When you’re going through a dark time you see no way out.
During my time away, I wasn’t coping as much as I was kidding myself that I was. I was falling deeper and deeper the more I kept it in. I started lying to everyone around me and the dark thoughts grew more intense.
Needless to say, my post about the importance of reaching out for help isn’t one to be taken lightly. When you don’t that’s basically what happens. You become drawn into these thoughts and feelings to the point where you see no way out. I had succumbed to those thoughts.
Even when crying out for help which I did in the end… I still felt more alone than ever.
That wasn’t any of my fault,
When you need help, you need a compassionate and helpful person.
That’s what I did and didn’t get. So, after I gave in and tried to get help.. initially i dragged myself to my CMHT building and saw my cpn and another colleague. Whilst they were compassionate and listened to what i said at the time, I felt they completely ignored me at the same time.
They put my suicidal feelings down to lack of sleep. But I knew my body and mind and it wasn’t that. I took the pills they gave me, I welcomed the weekend CPN contact as it was nice to have someone to open up to.
On the saturday, the feelings were still there, the thoughts were still there and the only place to go was A&E. Well… that’s where my compassion and help dissapeared.
I was greeted by a psychiatrist who thought he knew everything and decided to keep repeating himself over and over until i went from asking for help to saying what’s the point don’t bother… now why did i end up like this?
This man, listened to me, but ignored me cause he knew ‘everything’. Apparently, I wasn’t trying with my recovery at all. Apparently I expected to be saved and expected a magic wand. He literally said “you can’t expect to be saved.” He made me feel like I was wasting his time.
I wasn’t expecting anything. I was hoping for help. Not to have the suicide option being advertised to me in neon flashing letters. Also, I call co-operating with my cpn, taking the meds offered, agreeing to therapies, trying everything they say as co operating. I even call a suicidal person rocking up at A&E as trying.
Yet, he didn’t think so. Now, I was emotional just talking to him sobbing, crying a bit until he kept repeating it over and over (my husband was there and he was disgusted by this) until I broke down, I literally broke down crying and ran out of the room during which, he asked if i wanted the weekend CPN contact to which after his verbal beating I cried “what’s the point, don’t bother.” He even had the nerve to look shocked at my husband after i left.
I ended up sitting outside A&E crying till we had our lift home, after which… I hid under my covers for hours just crying trying to deal with what I went through.
Guess what, Sunday came and I had no support because this guy thought it was best to cut off a distressed person’s support.
Now, that was a bad experience. Not everyone out there is as heartless and brainless as this psych. There are amazing ones out there who are compassionate.
Heck, my CPN rushed an appointment with my new psych that week, who is amazing. Is understanding and when I cried to her about what he said she reiterated to me I am doing really well and I am trying my hardest. She even for last weekend put in weekend
But that’s why I say you need someone who is caring, compassionate and at the same time, helpful like my new psych is like my CPN is.
So… that post?
Well… that post I had wrote when I was planning, when I was low and I hadn’t sought help. I wasn’t in the right mind at all. I don’t know why I did it. I don’t know what I thought I was achieving at all.
I do apologise if it triggered anyone. I do apologise for worrying anyone.
I have considered deleting it. However, upon really thinking about it I’ve decided I’m going to keep it up. I will edit it a but with a proper disclaimer. I feel it is important to keep it up for awareness. To keep this blog real.
No, it’s not for attention but if anyone ever feels the way I did in that post then they MUST seek help. But, maybe you don’t recognise it as bad until you read someone else going through it and feel… whoa they need help. Then it clicks.
So to reiterate, while, yes it’s an upsetting post. It will be staying up just with an edited disclaimer now I’m more of a level mind.
What’s happening going forward?
Well… I plan to try and post at least once a week if anything especially if I’m feeling low so I don’t burn out from pouring myself on here.
I hope to at least go up to 3 posts a week which would be Mondays, Wednesday’s and Fridays in the long run.
In the meantime, until I am well enough to do that I aim to do at least one a week, I have no planned day for these. Hopefully around Wednesdays for the time being. if not, it will be up but on a day where I’m coping
I do apologise for my hiatus. Thank you for supporting me.
Here’s to 2019! Here’s to making progress with my recovery.
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