Mental Health

Real talk: I’m currently not doing so well

Edit: Please note, during this post I was in the depths of my depression, this post does talk about suicidal thoughts, plans etc. Please read with caution. See end of post for links to my support pages and helpful posts!

So, I’ve not posted all month. This is terrible on my end especially considering I’m paying for this website. However, I’m not being consistent and giving you guys content. For that, I am sorry.

I guess I should explain and since this is a real talk post. Please be warned it will be raw. It will contain triggering subjects.

So, I set up all of novembers posts at the end of october when I was ‘okay’ and coping and being productive. Half of it was because I was planning on trying to play games again. Guess what? That didn’t happen. I didn’t do anything.

My mental health was taking a steady decline which I attempted to work with and cope with. However… I didn’t. This month it has taken a nosedive. (Not that anyone’s really noticed if I’m honest) I haven’t neccessarily sought help as I thought I was doing fine. I haven’t reached out because again I thought I was doing fine. I guess I’m great at giving advice.. just not taking it.

So… like I just said I thought I was doing fine. I’m not, my mind has been on overdrive constantly… my sleep has been disturbed. I’ve had some serious thoughts about suicide again. Heck, I’ve even thought about my last few major attempts and been having a go at myself for seeking help and backing out. That’s how messed up my mind is lately. I haven’t done anything. If anything, the last few days i’ve been manically doing anything and everything to try and escape it.. It’s not worked. I’ve not done anything mainly because I’m never alone and have no access.. but i’m trying not to give in to it but it’s getting harder by the day.

I’m even back to lying to my mental health professional. I don’t even know why. I know I need to stop and be honest. I need to pull myself together but I honestly can’t. I at the moment don’t see the point to life and it’s why I’ve been away from the blog.

Not that I want anyone to worry, because I’m fine. Honestly. I can’t be positive or put a positive spin on anything that will help.

This is the reality of mental illness, it messes you up. Puts you off of your passion project, puts you off of gaming, off of people, off of living. It’s horrible and I hate it.

I guess, I need to be more honest and open about how I’m feeling and I’ll try to… however, I need to find a way to express whats going on in this mess… I honenstly don’t know where to begin.

I’m on a hiatus for a while, but when I’m back, I will be back with a workable post schedule as well!

wishing you all love, happiness and good health.

x Gemma

ps: if you want to read more of my posts, all of which are more happy and helpful than this one, please do so and drop me follow/subscription if you want more when I’m back!

EDIT:

Again! I’m sorry for the nature of some of this post but for helpful resources and support please check those pages out!

If you are feeling ANY of how I felt in this post, please do seek support check out my post on the importance of reaching out for support and my other posts on coping on low days and crisis plans.

Hi! I'm Gemma, a mental health and recovery journey blogger! My blog focuses on the effects of mental illness and the entire recovery process.

One Comment

  • Lauren

    I’m so sorry that things have been so difficult. Thank you for being so honest about your health. Like you, I know what is best for me, but when I’m not feeling well, it’s so very hard to do those things. I hope you will take care of yourself. I think the best thing you could do for yourself right now is be honest with your healthcare providers. Take care.!

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