So time for some real talk again. This probably isn’t going to be the prettiest of posts. It’ll be real, it’ll be raw. However, it’s important that we talk honestly and openly about these topics.
Today’s topic is therapy again. If you haven’t checked out my post on the importance of talk therapy please check it here.
Therapy isn’t meant to be easy.
If it was easy, therapists, counsellors etc wouldn’t need such in-depth training. So getting on with this, obviously, me and my counsellor already had a good rapport together. She also already had enough details of everything to go in with today’s questions during that session.
I wasn’t ready. Boy, I wasn’t ready.
This counselling I’m receiving at the moment is from New Pathways. It’s centred around sexual abuse. Whilst, realistically I should work on the problems from before my ex, It’s my ex that’s caused the most damage. Today’s session took me by surprise. I could have said no, I could have said it’s too much. But like I said to my counsellor… If we don’t go straight in, we’ll never get there.
So yeah, we did. She really had me thinking. She really hit a nerve today as afterwards, I felt kind of broken, kind of lost even. (It didn’t help my anxiety was in full flow and town was just MANIC!) I still feel broken now. I feel like I want to cry but can’t. I want to scream. I want to be angry. I guess I’ve always felt like this though. Today’s just actually highlighted it.
So what did we cover?
Well, how I’ve been feeling. How I’ve been coping because I haven’t been too well. I did have a slip-up. Only a minor one. Also, on my anniversary my head got the better of me for a bit. Needless to say, I wanted to post yesterday, However… I kind of couldn’t leave my bed. I spent the entire day in bed on my phone yesterday. When the mental illness hits, for me, it hits hard. Yesterday was draining and even though I say not to feel guilty for days like that. I do feel guilty. I’m trying not to because it’s all I could manage and I know that. She even confirmed that.
We discussed times when I’ve ‘thought’ I’ve seen him (my mind playing tricks on me). We’ve discussed how I feel towards him. How life is now, in all honesty, we covered so much in that hour session. It flew by.
She’s noticed I’m very angry. I’m angry at him and angry towards myself. Even though I’m extremely understanding that I didn’t know better. I had nothing to base relationships off of. I’m still angry. I’m a non-confrontational person, always have been but I’ll admit he’s made me worse so. I’d rather suffer than bring up an issue. Which sucks
I internalise my anger a lot, I was very descriptive with how I wish he’d pay for what he did to me. It was extremely violent and malicious but it made it clear. I keep my anger inside. It shouldn’t be that way.
However, yeah. We went deep in some areas which hurt. Really hurt. I hate him. I honestly despise him for what he did for me. I did love him once. I loved him for a while after I’m not going to lie. It took me a while to stop loving him and become angry and hate him.
I hate him for messing me up this much that’s for sure.
I’ve got some homework. One is to think about what I’d actually want to say to him rather than just rot in hell or why. The other is to research about narcissists. I’ll happily do both, even if one is easier than the other. If it means progress in the long run. I’ll do it. I’m done with this messed up head of mine.
Again, I know therapy’s not meant to be easy.
It can help
I know I sound quite negative. I don’t mean to. It was a good session even if it left me raw. I’m not going to lie to you and say you’ll come out of every session with a massive joker smile on your face. You won’t. Some sessions are going to hurt. Some sessions are going to wear you right out. My session today cut me deep and I felt as hollow as a carved pumpkin.
They do help though. I mean today’s session has been pretty eye-opening. I’ve said stuff out loud I haven’t said to anyone and some stuff I’ve only ever said to my husband.
It was nice to be listened to. Have my point accepted and have a constructive conversation about facts I brought up. Talk therapy is that. It’s an amazing tool.
I feel like I’ve hit a breaking point with my identity back then whilst in the middle of a rant. My therapist even confirmed that. It was something along the lines of “this person said I changed, I never liked this before but how could she *bleeping* know because I didn’t have my own identity then. I didn’t even know me!” This really hit home because, yes I was always changing to suit my ex. I lost who I was. I had no clue who I was back then. I’m only now finding myself again. I obviously need help with that but I’m getting there.
That’s what I mean when I say it can help. I went onto a massive rant and hit something that’s clicked with me. It’s minor cause I knew I kept changing who I was. However, I didn’t see the control, I didn’t see that I didn’t even have my own identity anymore then. (Plus technically I had had a few sessions before so this wasn’t session number.1 and a small breakthrough.. this had been a few prior to my return)
I’m looking forward to next weeks session. (Even if I may be a tad sore and hungover because I’m going to see Slayer Monday night) Although she did promise to be a bit more gentle as I will be a tad physically fragile.
I’m in agony physically with my back and my torn rib muscles but I’m not stopping again. I need this.
If you’re struggling and get offered therapy… take it. It may help. If not? Try another one. Just keep trying.
If you need it and haven’t been offered? Ask for it. Fight for it. It does help.
So besides that?
I just wanted to get this out.
These real talk posts are worth it. So you can get things from my point of view on a bad day, or a bad topic… anything that comes to mind that needs just getting out there.
Sorry I haven’t posted for a few days. I’ve been having some pretty low times. I was thinking of doing a posting schedule of every other day to not burn out but I’m not sure.. I can do every day.
What do you guys think? Do you prefer daily or would you like every other day?
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