real talk title image
Mental Health

Real talk: therapy isn’t meant to be easy.

So time for some real talk again. This probably isn’t going to be the prettiest of posts. It’ll be real, it’ll be raw. However, it’s important that we talk honestly and openly about these topics.

Today’s topic is therapy again. If you haven’t checked out my post on the importance of talk therapy please check it here.

real talk therapy image 1Therapy isn’t meant to be easy.

If it was easy, therapists, counsellors etc wouldn’t need such in-depth training. So getting on with this, obviously, me and my counsellor already had a good rapport together. She also already had enough details of everything to go in with today’s questions during that session.

I wasn’t ready. Boy, I wasn’t ready.

This counselling I’m receiving at the moment is from New Pathways. It’s centred around sexual abuse. Whilst, realistically I should work on the problems from before my ex, It’s my ex that’s caused the most damage. Today’s session took me by surprise.  I could have said no, I could have said it’s too much. But like I said to my counsellor… If we don’t go straight in, we’ll never get there.

So yeah, we did. She really had me thinking. She really hit a nerve today as afterwards, I felt kind of broken, kind of lost even. (It didn’t help my anxiety was in full flow and town was just MANIC!) I still feel broken now. I feel like I want to cry but can’t. I want to scream. I want to be angry. I guess I’ve always felt like this though. Today’s just actually highlighted it.

So what did we cover?real talk therapy 2

Well, how I’ve been feeling. How I’ve been coping because I haven’t been too well. I did have a slip-up. Only a minor one. Also, on my anniversary my head got the better of me for a bit. Needless to say, I wanted to post yesterday, However… I kind of couldn’t leave my bed. I spent the entire day in bed on my phone yesterday. When the mental illness hits, for me, it hits hard. Yesterday was draining and even though I say not to feel guilty for days like that. I do feel guilty. I’m trying not to because it’s all I could manage and I know that. She even confirmed that.

We discussed times when I’ve ‘thought’ I’ve seen him (my mind playing tricks on me). We’ve discussed how I feel towards him. How life is now, in all honesty, we covered so much in that hour session. It flew by.

She’s noticed I’m very angry. I’m angry at him and angry towards myself. Even though I’m extremely understanding that I didn’t know better. I had nothing to base relationships off of. I’m still angry. I’m a non-confrontational person, always have been but I’ll admit he’s made me worse so. I’d rather suffer than bring up an issue. Which sucks

I internalise my anger a lot, I was very descriptive with how I wish he’d pay for what he did to me. It was extremely violent and malicious but it made it clear. I keep my anger inside. It shouldn’t be that way.

However, yeah. We went deep in some areas which hurt. Really hurt. I hate him. I honestly despise him for what he did for me. I did love him once. I loved him for a while after I’m not going to lie. It took me a while to stop loving him and become angry and hate him.

I hate him for messing me up this much that’s for sure.

I’ve got some homework. One is to think about what I’d actually want to say to him rather than just rot in hell or why. The other is to research about narcissists. I’ll happily do both, even if one is easier than the other. If it means progress in the long run. I’ll do it. I’m done with this messed up head of mine.

Again, I know therapy’s not meant to be easy.

real talk 3It can help

I know I sound quite negative. I don’t mean to. It was a good session even if it left me raw. I’m not going to lie to you and say you’ll come out of every session with a massive joker smile on your face. You won’t. Some sessions are going to hurt. Some sessions are going to wear you right out. My session today cut me deep and I felt as hollow as a carved pumpkin.

They do help though. I mean today’s session has been pretty eye-opening. I’ve said stuff out loud I haven’t said to anyone and some stuff I’ve only ever said to my husband.

It was nice to be listened to. Have my point accepted and have a constructive conversation about facts I brought up. Talk therapy is that. It’s an amazing tool.

I feel like I’ve hit a breaking point with my identity back then whilst in the middle of a rant. My therapist even confirmed that. It was something along the lines of “this person said I changed, I never liked this before but how could she *bleeping* know because I didn’t have my own identity then. I didn’t even know me!” This really hit home because, yes I was always changing to suit my ex. I lost who I was. I had no clue who I was back then. I’m only now finding myself again. I obviously need help with that but I’m getting there.

That’s what I mean when I say it can help. I went onto a massive rant and hit something that’s clicked with me. It’s minor cause I knew I kept changing who I was. However, I didn’t see the control, I didn’t see that I didn’t even have my own identity anymore then. (Plus technically I had had a few sessions before so this wasn’t session number.1 and a small breakthrough.. this had been a few prior to my return)

I’m looking forward to next weeks session. (Even if I may be a tad sore and hungover because I’m going to see Slayer Monday night) Although she did promise to be a bit more gentle as I will be a tad physically fragile.

I’m in agony physically with my back and my torn rib muscles but I’m not stopping again. I need this.

If you’re struggling and get offered therapy… take it. It may help. If not? Try another one. Just keep trying.
If you need it and haven’t been offered? Ask for it. Fight for it. It does help.

So besides that?real talk 4

I just wanted to get this out. 

These real talk posts are worth it. So you can get things from my point of view on a bad day, or a bad topic… anything that comes to mind that needs just getting out there.

Sorry I haven’t posted for a few days. I’ve been having some pretty low times. I was thinking of doing a posting schedule of every other day to not burn out but I’m not sure.. I can do every day.

What do you guys think? Do you prefer daily or would you like every other day?

If you like what you have read here today, or maybe it’s resonated with you then please hit the subscribe button on the sidebar so you can get notified of all new posts.

– Gem

Follow Musings Of A Misfit on WordPress.com

Hi! I'm Gemma, a mental health and recovery journey blogger! My blog focuses on the effects of mental illness and the entire recovery process.

32 Comments

  • tren

    Talk therapy is definitely difficult (says the mental health therapist). I have had the opportunity to experience both…sitting on the couch and sitting at the desk. Many people walk out feeling drained. It’s draining bc we are releasing all of the dead weight we have been holding on to.

    • Misfitmuser

      It is hard! I’ll admit the sessions I had before my break weren’t as direct. Today’s was quite hard hitting. I expected it to be difficult because we already discussed loads. I wasn’t expecting that. I could have said no, I could have said stop but how would it help? If I put it off I won’t get to the bottom of it and I’ll never make any progress.

      I’m very emotionally and mentally raw tonight. Tomorrow I feel may be a duvet day just to block out the negative images that are following me. I just thought a raw and honest post while I feel like this may be helpful for others. Can’t always be sunshine and rainbows when the reality of mental illness is exactly that. Days of darkness, days of pain. Days where you’re stuck to your bed because you just cant move.

      Thankyou

      -Gem

  • Karen Monica

    You are very strong to be sharing this with your readers. I know it’s never easy to write about what you are going through and how you are feeling. But it is always good to open up and I hope soon you will be feeling much much better

  • Madison

    Thank you! This is definitely something that needs to be talked about. I felt bad at first when my first therapists and I didn’t click together or when I felt it wasn’t working.. It took work on my end too!

    • Misfitmuser

      It indeed is! I feel the need to be honest and talk with people about this and this site is the easiest way to do so. Hopefully it helps others understand and maybe reach out for their own help.

  • Laura Dove

    I have been in therapy my whole life for one reason or another and it’s so hard! It makes you look at yourself in a way you don’t want to, and be honest about things you might not want to be. It’s hard, it takes some strength!

  • Catherine Santiago Jose

    I really enjoy reading this and feel everything that you’ve said. As many people say that, therapy is good but you need to work together hand in hand for the best results.

  • Karla

    This is interesting. Thanks for sharing your personal journey to us. I wish there are more therapists and counsellors in my country. There are very few and they only serve the rich people.

  • Jackie

    I love real talk posts, I find them really refreshing and it helps to understand the reality of a situation. Talk therapy is really hard for sure, but I feel like it’s something I need to do, so thank you for doing this post!

  • Eboni Dixon

    Gosh, this is such an important topic, I wish more people would talk about. It is something that so many people struggle with. I have stages where I feel extremely low. I wish I had more strength to seek proper help, but for now I am trying my own coping methods like meditation and distraction!

  • FoodyFoodie

    You are very brave to say out your story. I do believe talk therapy really help after hear your story and I am glad that you finally get out from your sorrow.

  • Rebecca | AAUBlog

    This isn’t something that I have first hand experiences in, but I can just imagine how draining a session like this is. It must be quite satisfying, but also quite stressful x

  • Rachael Phillips

    Good on you for being brave enough to put this out there. It’s not easy, if it were easy then it probably wouldn’t be any good. Keep taking things one day at a time, small steps lead to great changes. Sending you love x

  • Kristina @ Spirit of the soul

    Therapy can work wonders as long as you do the work. I’ve seen therapists on and off for almost 20 years and about 6 years in, I realized that I need to work on myself too. After that life as been much clearer with just a few down episodes.

  • Mellissa Williams

    I admire you for posting about this. Therapy definitely isn’t easy and can be stressful sometimes but it does help to hit upon the things we may not yet have realised ourselves.

  • Lynne Harper

    Im not sure im brave enough o go to therapy. I muddle along by talking to my husband and hoping all will be ok in the end lol well done you for tackling things head on x

  • Jen

    Therapy is a very rocky road, and it isn’t until you can fully start to believe in something other than that which is effecting you, that it begins to feel like it is working. It also doesn’t take away the issue, it just means you find a way of dealing with it. I’ve had therapy, and it is real hard work. I think writing your blog posts is a brilliant way to help. Never give up and really embrace those moments of relief, because they will come. There really is light at the end of the tunnel, I promise you.

  • Cassandra Rose

    Being vulnerable and putting yourself out there is never easy. I love and respect the way that you frame this, that struggling with opening up IS normal and something you have to go through in order to get a break though.

    • Misfitmuser

      I’m trying to be as honest as I can. It’s hard. It hurts but it’s necessary to heal. So yeah. I even said to to my therapist and my mental health team. I’d rather face it, be upset, cry afterwards and made progress rather than chickened out and be stuck where I am.

  • blair villanueva

    In the Philippines, it isn’t in our culture to hire a therapist just to talk (unless it is a physical therapist, et al). We have families and friends or sometimes colleagues to talk with and ready to listen, and give us advice.

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