** Trigger warning guys, I do mention lightly thoughts of and actions of self harm in this post. Nothing in too much detail though! ***
So yeah, today’s topic is a bit more vague. It’s more going to be along the lines of actually trying with your recovery and small steps I have taken so far.
So, Wednesday is the agreed day where I have contact with my CPN, one week its a phone call and the other week a visit and it keeps alternating. This week was a phone call. (Very awkwardly timed today at that too…)
So, with this weeks call it was mainly to discuss how my week has been since last week and how yesterday went. Also what support I think I need with for the next week. So, yeah. This past week hasn’t been too bad I guess. I’ve been pretty low, pretty anxious. However, I guess I’m a little more motivated. I also guess that’s thanks to this blog. This outlet and you guys who read this.
I told him how I felt this week, that yeah, it’s been busy and how I’ve wanted to give in to my dark thoughts because.. well, yeah I have wanted to but I haven’t given in. I haven’t done anything. I’m not going to lie and I’m trying to be more open and honest with whats going on in my head. Okay, it’s hard to the people I love but with my CPN and this blog it’s a bit easier than I thought it would be. So I guess, this is one step I am taking to actually help myself with my recovery. It feels small, my mind tells me this shouldn’t be a thing. Well, You know what mind? It actually is. I wouldn’t have been like this a month or so back. Just like the information from one of the charities that support people that was given to me. Validate the accomplishments, no matter how small.
Okay, he understood about yesterday. He understands I don’t feel ready and that I’m going to put my counselling with New Pathways as a priority at the moment as that starts back next Tuesday actually. I’m dreading it because I guess my first session back I’m going to have to explain what’s been going on and what led me to phoning them for help even though my back is still not really any better. It’s daunting if I’m honest. I’m terrified, but I have to be open and honest if I want this to actually help me. If I want this to progress. So I will, regardless. Obviously if it is too much, I have my husband, my housemate, my CPN to help and that’s okay. It’s also okay to be scared. I told him maybe I’ll try the group at the centre when my counselling is over or I’ll try the other venue nearer to home when I’m a little more.. able to.
The last thing he did ask me was have I thought about hurting myself. I admitted I had wanted to. My husband stopped me… He’s my rock really. My CPN actually pointed out it’s been about a month since I’ve done anything serious enough to hurt me. It’s physically doing anything has been alot less than that but… they’ve been mild or with one of the alternatives that the husband and I came up with and the CPN approved of in one of our face to face meetings. ** I will discuss these alternatives in a later post ** To be honest though.. it’s quite amazing to realise I haven’t done anything ‘dangerous’ in that long. As my husband keeps reminding me… it’s progress. Even though it feels it shouldn’t be something to celebrate, my husband keeps reminding me. It is. It’s an achievement. I guess it is.
So onto today’s subject I guess, well more into it than the rundown of my phonecall.
So, yeah. I’m making some what would seem as small but really are big steps to help myself with my recovery.
The first I guess was actually accepting the fact that something was wrong with me and that I needed help. This took a while for me and it may or may not take a long while for you. You may or may not even be aware you feel this way and need help. When you do though, please look for and accept the help. You can get through this. This, I guess was the biggest step I have taken. As without this, I don’t think I would accept the help. I don’t think I would be able to really be able or willing to talk about what I’ve been through I guess let alone how I feel and how it’s affected me.
The next one which is very important, is actually listening to and engaging with the support that I have. Okay, this sounds obvious but lets compare me now, to me at 13/14. Me at 13/14, would distract the mental health teams. I would divert conversation to art or anything unrelated. I would refuse to cooperate. I would eventually just give up even doing that and refuse to go. Me nowadays, well. I actually listen to what they tell me, I take notes. I look things up. I accept the therapies, the referrals and anything they can offer me. Pretty much I’m more open to the help. I’m more willing to work with them rather than against them. This is a big step in it self I guess and it coincides with the previous step as they go hand in hand. If you accept that something is wrong and that you need help.. you’re more willing to get that help and work with it.
The third I’ve been doing as you can clearly see here is being more open and honest about everything. What I’ve been through, how I feel, what’s going on in my mind.. Okay, they’re little things at a time when I’m actually talking. But each little thing adds to the other and helps build a picture of what is going on. It helps others picture what’s wrong or how I’m feeling.
I wnat to make a point here, when I say be more open and honest. I don’t mean you have to start by spilling your guts out. (unless you really want to..) If that’s too much, like it has been for me. Start with the little things. Make someone aware of how you’re feeling if you’re feeling really low or at crisis. (If you don’t want to to people who know you. Chuck me a comment, get on my contact me page, I’m happy to lend a caring ear or check out the links to support page!) Tell someone when you need help or you’re feeling like something is too much for you to handle. I’m starting to do this and I guess it’s helping me a little.
Other steps I’m doing that you don’t really have to are as follows:
Even though, when reading etc my attention span is like a child’s sometimes… I have been reading some self help books from my local library’s selection of e-books. I will probably add a page where I’ll recommend some books soon as some of these have been amazing. By amazing, to me, they read well. they’re not condescending. They’re down to earth and helps you get a better understanding of what the writer wants to get across. (Unlike this jumbled mess of a blog. *sorry*) I keep looking for new ones myself so if anyone’s read any and think I’ll get along with them. Fire them away!
I’ve been obviously doing this blog. It’s been nice to turn my jumbles, usually very negative journal posts into a positive blog which promotes recovery and is open and honest about well.. my experience with my mental illness.
I’ve joined Facebook support groups, where you can reach out to others for help. I’ve even been watching some of the YouTube counsellors. Which I will add on another actual page on this blog.. as some of them tie in together. So I’m glad I’m making this post as I know more of what resources I want to link for you guys as I write.
I guess I’m even trying to plan physical things that I will enjoy. As here’s a funny fact for you. It’s my first wedding anniversary on the 28th. we’re skint. However, I’ve planned a very budget.. but very us date day and you know what? I’m more excited to that than I have been any parties or anything. I also have the slayer tour to go to in November since my husband bought us tickets months ago. Can’t wait.
I’m also, trying to. Yet sometimes failing to not force myself to come off as happy when I’m well and truly not. I don’t have to pretend anymore… However, like I said a few posts ago.. the mask is a learned behaviour / coping mechanism that I’m struggling to shake.
So yeah. I actually want to ask you guys a few things today!
1. What self help books have you read that you would recommend?
2. What little things are YOU doing to help your recovery?
Also, what sort of posts.. would you want me to touch up on? Not that I’ve ran out of ideas because I haven’t and each day inspires me.. I just want to know what you would like to give my thoughts and experiences on.
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