So, real talk. This wasn’t going to be today’s post. Today was going to be something else. Something a bit more cheerful… however, in all honesty I’m having one of ‘those days’.
So starting off, what do I mean by one of ‘those days’?
You know when you’ve had an okay couple of days and then you just feel so weighed down, rotten and your mind is on overdrive with everything and anything that’s negative? Yeah, one of those days. Except yet again for me, my mind feels like it’s on self destruct. So It’s now 5:39 pm in the UK I’ve been properly awake and up since 9am. (with a long night of barely any sleep) I’ve also only now, finally got out of bed. (I felt that this post was needed so it’s good timing for me to feel capable of getting up and doing stuff…)
Yes, some people will say that’s lazy, they’ll say get a grip. But hold up. If staying in bed means you don’t do anything harmful to yourself and if staying in bed is easy for you to cope with. You do it. You do you. It’s not lazy. It’s not bad and you can’t just get a grip. It’s much harder than that and easier said than done, I know. You are coping in a way you know that’s safe then do it. Ignore the backlash from people who don’t understand. As long as at some point when you’re feeling capable to get up and just move and you do it. Then there’s nothing wrong with that. You need your downtime and if anyone understands that… it’s me.
*** Please note there may be some trigger words from this point on.. however, I do not go in depth into those topics. ***
***This topic doesn’t touch on self harm/coping behaviours.. that is a seperate post that will come soon.***
With that out of the way.. let’s get on to today’s topic.
So when I talk about learned behaviours and thoughts.. it’s more along the lines of what the depression teaches you, what others teach you and past experiences teach you. These are negative thoughts and behaviours and they don’t actually help you.
So first off, when I was with my ex, I learned to never speak unless spoken to really. I learned that it was bad to have feelings and say how I feel as something would happen to me if I did. That’s wrong. Boy is that so wrong. I do feel like a hypocrite saying that because I struggle with this badly at the moment but I do know that in the situation I’m in now… nothing bad will happen to me if I tell someone I’m feeling down, I’m upset or anything. However, it’s a default behaviour and thought that’s been dug down into my mental processes after years of abuse. I have a lot of work to do to break this but I’m very much aware that I do this for that reason.
Secondly, isolating myself and pushing people away. Realistically speaking… this partially links to the previous behaviour/thought however this is something that the depression causes me to do. This again, will take a lot of work to stop me from doing as it’s far easier said than done. Why so? That is because when you feel that rotten, that deep in the dark pit that your mind has thrown you into the last thing you want is to drag anyone else in with you. The last thing you feel you deserve is someone being kind to you. For me, I tend to hole my self away from others, I’m short and snappy with others or I’ll ignore them. Through no fault of theirs but for me, I don’t want to burden anyone or be a problem for them.
Which brings me moving into my next learned thought. Believing you’re a burden or a problem. Yes, I can wholly relate to this as there isn’t a day that goes by at the moment where I feel like I’m not a problem or a burden. I can help others, tell others that they are not. I can support them. But for myself, not so much. I feel like I’m bringing my housemate and my husband down and that I’m ruining their lives with my issues. They tell me I’m not. However, my pest experiences with my ex and the depression makes me feel this way.
So, with the burden thoughts and feelings my mind also loves to tell me that I’m worthless, that I’m no good and there is no point to me. This is a major thing that my past experiences had started to ingrain very well into my self worth. They made me feel like I was a plaything, like I was nothing. Like to be honest, i was dirty, broken, disgusting. Then, the depression has come in and absolutely amplified that by a million and reminds me of this many many many times a day. (Like honestly, it’s on a loop and on days like today it gets louder and louder and louder.) It’s tiring. It’s honestly probably one of the hardest things I feel that people with mental health issues, not just myself have to fight against. It’s all well and good just fighting the low mood, fighting the burden feeling but then to have your mind telling you you’re worthless? Yeah. it’s hard. It’s exhausting. You feel like you’re fighting just to stay alive some days.
There’s other thoughts that obviously tie in with the burden/problem thoughts and the feeling and thoughts of being worthless and broken. For me? When i’m at my worst, I’ve learned to feel that I may as well be dead. It’s not a pretty thought. Having suicidal thoughts and feelings isn’t fun. It isn’t a joking matter. However, not everyone who has these thoughts or feelings will act on them. Obviously as you are aware, I have tried to quite a few times. I’m not glorifying it as I’m trying to get help but I just wanted to point that out.
There are many more however, I will probably touch on these with other posts where they feel relevant enough to do so.
The main learned behaviour that I do believe warrants its own post… is the facade. The mask. Pretending to be okay. Pretending to feel things that you don’t. I would like to touch on it here but this post will end up probably twice as long as it already is so that will be a post for another day as there is so much that can be said about that.
Please note, not everyone feels all of these. Mental health affects everyone differently and this… is how it affects me and I’m aware can affect others. I’m not a professional, I’m just someone who’s going through their journey and I feel it’s important to break the stigma and to open up and talk about it.
So, maybe you have or haven’t noticed how often you think or feel these. Or something along these lines as like I said, it affects everyone differently. You’ll know that it’s not fun. If you do, please talk to someone, try and get some help. I’m starting to try to and I’m trying to work towards recovery.
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